


A Breath of Real Air

by Fluffysminion



Category: Warhammer 40.000
Genre: The Tall and the Smalls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:42:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26105905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fluffysminion/pseuds/Fluffysminion
Summary: Jaspar jumps ship, abandoning his mission to help his new family adapt to life outside of the warp.
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

When he entered the main port the experience was paralysing. There were so many _people_. He’d been expecting that of course, he’d spent the last few days trying to prepare Nikota and Karger for it, but it was still a shock. It was the change that shook him the most, part of him was trying to reconcile the place he found himself in with the place he remembered from the way out and failing. It was so utterly different. And yet it looked the same, sounded the same, even smelled the same. It was what it all meant that had changed.

When he stood here ten years ago the crowds, the clustered habitation, the makeshift walkways, and the sweat and grime that was the inevitable result of many people living in a limited space had been familiar and comforting. It had been a welcome return to an environment he knew and understood after a harrowing warp journey; the first one he’d ever experienced. But since then he’d lived a warp-life nearly alone on the empty streets of Penumbra, and felt the corruption and taint of the warp twist him into something less than human. To what he had become the crowded port wasn’t comforting; it was torture.

He was so hungry. The background ache of a need unfulfilled had risen to become an urgent pain. Just a little further. He stood up straight for the first time since boarding the ship at Shadowfall and the crowd cringed back. Good.

“Once we get through here we’ll go somewhere quieter.” He looked down at his companions; Karger seemed similarly stunned but Nikota was fascinated, her black eyes open wide as she tried to take it all in. He didn’t need to tell them to stick close. Penumbra had taught them to fear separation.

They came upon a man selling skewers of meat, he had his back to them and was busy trying to attract the attention of some well-dressed ladies, and so hadn’t noticed their approach and retreated like the others. He was small but rounded, not fat but evidently healthy and well fed. He started when Jaspar leaned over him.

“Can I help you?” The man was clearly uncomfortable with the situation. Jaspar pretended not to notice Nikota and Karger exchanging worried glances.

“Yes.” He was so close Jaspar was nearly looking straight down to meet his eyes. “Could I buy three of those?” They looked like exactly what he needed to get through this. He counted out the change into one hand and held it out, hoping that the man would accept before he changed his mind.

“Um, sure.” He didn’t take his eyes off Jaspar during the exchange and disappeared into the crowd as soon as they were done. Jaspar handed one each to Karger and Nikota then took a bite from his, earning him puzzled looks from his companions.

The meat disintegrated into ash on his tongue, as he’d known it would. He grimaced but held the ash in his mouth; it was unpleasant but gave him something to focus on other than his hunger. And the nausea it caused helped him see the people around him as things other than a potential meal. He knew better than to act here, he remembered how dangerous mobs could be from the incident in Shantytown. Just a little further.

It would have been easier if he’d eaten more on the journey. He’d only dared to go hunting once, while the ship was deep in the warp and disappearances not unusual. The others had looked disapproving when he’d left their shared rooms, but they hadn’t stopped him either. He wondered if the crew had found the bones.

Nikota was watching him, concerned. Neither her nor Karger had touched the food he’d given them, but he had been giving mixed signals whether it was food for them or for him. He couldn’t explain now though, not with so many people nearby, and not with a mouth full of ash.

They proceeded in silence for a distressingly quantifiable length of time, the refusal of the moments to abstract into one fuzzy unit of unpleasantness unsettled Jaspar more than he was expecting. While the sense of every action lasting an eternity that had been often the case on Penumbra was absent, the knowledge that it would only be a few minutes before he could escape into a back alley was less comforting than it should have been. The fact that he could be sure how long it would take also meant that there was no hope of it being over sooner, he felt trapped in a way that the subjective time of the warp hadn’t allowed for.

As soon as the crowd had thinned enough for it to be possible he ran, trusting his friends to follow. He was practically on all fours as he turned into the alleyway, his long arms easily taking the weight of his body as he overbalanced trying to make the turn. He’d made it. Here it was dark, and out of view of the street. It was safe for him to stop pretending things were ok.

Nikota and Karger came up beside him as he was bent over retching against the wall. Nikota put a hand on his arm as he brought up water, then nothing. “Sorry.” He stayed leaning on the wall until he was sure he wasn’t going to be sick again. “I should’ve known that was a bad idea.” He smiled unconvincingly, Nikota continued to look concerned and Karger looked even more confused.

“Wh’t’s goin’ un Jaspar?” She looked straight up into his eyes as she spoke and it was clear that she was also asking why haven’t you told us already?

He sighed and slumped back against the other wall, trying not to knock anyone with his awkwardly long limbs as he folded himself into a sitting position. “Sorry. I was scared and it’s so hard to think…” He shook his head. “That’s not an answer I know. We’ve left the others, where they are going is… is not a place for us. Not anymore.” He stares miserably at his legs. “But we’re not going there. We’re free now, we’re in realspace. We can go where we want.”

“Well I want t’go wher’ver y’go.” The way she said it made it quite clear that there was nothing more to be said on the matter.

Karger spoke up hesitantly, wary of causing offence. “It dun’t sund like y’think ‘t’s gud lud.”

Jaspar forced himself to meet Karger’s eyes. “It is good it’s just… it’s hard. Harder than I thought. Leaving them behind, being here when…” He swallowed and looked away, embarrassed. “When I’m hungry.”

Now Karger looked worried as well. “Y’think y’might just… attack sumun? If y’go out there again?”

“Of course not!” Jaspar spat. “I’m not an animal.” Both Nikota and Karger were startled by the aggression in his reply, and Karger was cringing as if he’d been struck. Feeling even more ashamed of himself he took a deep breath and tried again. “Sorry. It’s just… you know I’d never hurt you, right?”

“’F course.” Nikota sounded confused, Jaspar wasn’t sure if she didn’t understand why he had asked that question or why he would ever ask it. Karger just nodded, he was clearly less convinced, but Jaspar expected that. Karger had lived a hard life where nothing could be relied upon. That there was any trust at all between them was somewhat of a miracle.

After a brief awkward silence Karger spoke. “So, um, what yer saying, lud, ‘s that y’need t’hunt?”

Jaspar continued looking down at his hands. “I guess, yes. That is what I’ve been trying to say, isn’t it?”

“Why d’n’t y’say so?” Nikota put a hand on his leg. “It sunded like y’were sick or changing or sum’in. But ‘f yer hungry th’t’s easy. There’s people everywhere here!”

He couldn’t help smiling at the simplicity of her logic, even if what she said chilled him to his core. They had all been tainted by his curse, damned along with him for his sin of existence. “It’s not as simple as that.” There was a lump in his throat, to his shame he wasn’t sure if he was mourning the loss of innocence or tormented by the abundance of inaccessible food. “If they find out what I am they’ll tear me apart. Besides I don’t want to… I won’t start this by killing innocents.” He hoped he sounded more certain than he felt.

Karger didn't say anything, just gave him a look that made it clear he thought this was a mistake. Nikota was looking at him with awe, as if not killing random people on the street was some impressive feat to be celebrated. The fact that he'd even considered it in the first place made him feel sick.

"'Mperat'r pr'tag't." Nikota's hands formed the shape of the aquilla, she looked proud that she'd remembered the phrase he'd taught her. She was shocked and offended when he pushed her hands down and scowled at her.

"Not here." He hissed. "Not now.” The last thing they needed was to draw the attention of that god, or any others. Momentarily convinced that the show of faith had somehow summoned the other acolytes he whipped round to face the exit; but there was nothing. There were no window boxes, no cobbled streets, no Inquisition. This wasn’t Penumbra anymore.

Nikota still looked hurt; but seemed to be looking at him like she was expecting him to respond. Had she said something while he was panicking? He wasn’t sure. His head hurt, his stomach hurt, but time crawled on relentlessly and lingering like this was going to attract the attention of people like him.

“A bit further. Then I can explain. I promise. Just…“ He took a deep breath and beckoned for them to join him. “a little bit further.” He stepped back out into the street, family close behind.


	2. Release

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Too many emotions.

The room he’d rented was sparse compared to the decadently overfurnished standards of Penumbra, but it was clean and safe enough for now. He had to stoop to avoid the ceiling, and there was a light running the length of the room right at eye level that he just knew he was going to keep knocking his head on. He sighed, shrugged off his coat and rucksack then slumped to his knees and collapsed face first onto the bed.

“Jaspar?” Nikota sounded worried. He had to be strong for her, had to be better than this. He’d been doing a poor job of helping them adapt so far. When he looked up the concern on her faces brought tears to his eyes.

“I’m so sorry. I really don’t deserve either of you.” He ran his hands through his hair, tracing his scars back until his head felt almost normal. “Thank you, for trusting me. I want you to know I didn’t tell you about this not because I didn’t trust you. I didn’t trust the others not to tell Titus to go inside your heads. They probably wouldn’t read my mind, out of respect for who I was and maybe fear of what I am now. But they had no respect for you. Still didn’t even see you as people despite everything you did for them.”

Karger was visibly on edge, wary of the anger in Jaspar’s voice and perhaps also the change in his behaviour. He’d never spoken ill of the other acolytes before, he realised. Nikota was still looking at him with concern. Jaspar doubted either of them understood what he’d done, he hadn’t given them a chance to. But they had still followed him. His next apology caught in his throat and came out as a sob.

“I couldn’t take you back hom- to Juno. I’m sorry I didn’t say, I didn’t know how to say. But if we’d stayed with the others they would have killed us. Maybe Pertriv and Titus and the rest wouldn’t have the heart to do it but…” His voice failed as Nikota’s expression changed to one of confusion and she started to protest.

“So Th’t’s not where yer takin us?”

Jaspar shook his head. He didn’t know what else to say, what else he could say. He was so tired. “I’m sorry, so sorry. You deserve better. Better than this, better than me.” He looked down at his warped body, his limbs too long for any clothes to ever fit, his ribs that were plainly visible through the shirt that was both to short and too loose, the sunken void were his abdomen used to be. “I only ever wanted to help you.” He whispered. “I- I thought I could save you.”

Unable to keep the tears back anymore he broke down and cried. His body shook from the sobbing and he missed whatever Karger said in return. “I was going to take you somewhere where you would be safe. Where there were no monsters. I never wanted to you to be stuck looking after one. I think you’d be better off without me, without my hunger and my weakness. But also… I love you both. So much. And I don’t want you to go.”

Nikota and Karger were both frozen, unsure what to do. Jaspar didn’t blame them, he wasn’t sure what to do about the crying monster on the floor either. “I love you so I want you to go so you can have a better life than any with me in, but because I love you I want you to stay so I can do everything I can for you.” He buried his face in his hands, his too long fingers reaching almost to the back of his head. “I wish I was better, you deserve more than just another predator.”

Nikota grabbed his head and pulled it out of his hands, though he was sitting and she was standing he was still almost level with her black eyes. “Yer n’t jus anuther predat’r.”

To the surprise of both her and Karger Jaspar wrapped his arms around both of them and pulled them down on top of him, pressing them tightly against his chest. “You mean everything to me. I’ve been so scared, so very scared that if I said anything, did anything that showed it… That the others would have known I wasn’t going back with them. That they might hurt you to get to me. I was too scared to stand up for you. But I promise I’ll never let anyone treat you like that again.” He let go of the hug, but Nikota remained a moment to hug him back, which nearly caused him to descend back into sobbing again.

Karger sat down next to him, close enough that Jaspar could feel him there, almost leaning on his arm. It wasn’t as straightforward a gesture of support, but to Jaspar it meant just as much. “We know yer trying t’help lud, but we’re n’t leaving yer now. N’t b’cause’f what y’eat, an’ n’t b’cause y’were scared t’talk.”

Nikota stood up very straight, so she was just about looking down on him. “Yeah. Yer n’t a monster, yer gud an’ brave an’ I bet yer could’ve beat all’f yer friends in a fight’f they’d tried t’hurt us. Then y’d’ve plenty t’eat too.”

“Nikota!” He wasn’t sure whether to be flattered or appalled, so he settled on the latter.

“See, yer a gud un. N’t bad or a crim’nul.” She smiled, the matter now clearly settled.

Jaspar sighed. “Fine, you win. But if you ever feel like you want to not be around me anymore I want you to go, ok? I don’t want either of you to feel like you’re being held hostage. That’s what I’ve been trying to say.”

Nikota settled down on the other side on him to Karger, resting her head on his chest and spilling a few yawning rats. “’K, but I c’n’t imagun why I’d ever want th’t.”

Jaspar smiled down at her, stroking her hair as she fell asleep. Trying to keep his mind from dwelling on how much he’d enjoyed the taste of her blood.


	3. Room Service

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaspar and his family have a disagreement about his definition of the word safe.

"Nikota! Wake up, we have a visitor." Jaspar had swept the rats off his lap and back into her clothes when he'd heard the knock on the door, but Nikota was still folded over at quite an alarming angle. Worried that she might be mistaken for something dead Jaspar tried propping her upright, but she was still too sleepy to maintain coherence.

There was more knocking at the door and Jaspar was forced to leave her to wake up on her own, and hope that she remained somewhat human-shaped. He scrambled to his feet to get to the door before the person on the other side gave up and left, forgetting that he was slightly too tall for the room and knocking his head on the light on the way over.

The woman on the other side took a step back, dropping her façade of professional disinterest when confronted with the very tall mutant doing his best not to swear. She recovered quickly, and after a moment’s hesitation held the tray above her head to offer it to Jaspar.

She was a teenager really, some years older than Nikota and closer to being a woman than a child, short but unlike the people Jaspar had encountered in Penumbra there was more to her than skin and bones. He looked away, embarrassed by the thought. Which meant he saw Nikota drawing her knife.

"No no no no no." He fell rather than leapt at Nikota, but the difference in size was enough that he was able to grab her despite how poorly coordinated he was. Her determination had made her solid and her arm remained human as she tried to keep hold of the knife. It was trivial for him to knock the blade away, for all her defiance she could only keep herself from running, she still didn’t know how to defend herself.

“I’m so sorry about this” He was apologising to both of them, but his words were directed mostly to the woman at the door.

She placed the tray on the floor with exaggerated slowness, watching Jaspar carefully but not verbally acknowledging his apology. “Yousaidyou’dtakebreakfastinyourroom” She spoke in one hurried breath as she backed into the corridor as fast as her dignity would allow, shutting the door behind her.

Jaspar slumped forward, his head in his hands, and groaned. He really didn’t have the energy to deal with this.

Nikota wriggled out from underneath him. “I dun’t understand.” She protested. “She was alone, an’ she had a gun!”

"She wasn't alone Nikota, there are people everywhere here. Someone would have heard her. It's why people scream you know, so the people in the next room will hear it and call the authorities." He sighed, and massaged his temples in a vain attempt to clear some of the smog from his head. "Besides she's like the guards on the ship, part of the group that's hosting us. I won't repay their hospitality by eating their staff."

"But y'did eat th't person on t'ship."

"I WAS DESPERATE ON THE SHIP!" He realised his mistake as soon as he saw her. She was a child, confused, scared, and on the verge of tears.

He desperately wanted to reach out to reassure her but was worried about scaring her further, so instead he hugged his knees to his chest and tried to look less miserable than he felt. "I shouldn't have shouted, I shouldn't have jumped on you either, I could have hurt you. I'm doing everything wrong."

"Why are we here lud? Y'said y'needed t'hunt, but this's a house an' if yer won't eat t'house people why not be sumwhere with people y'will eat?"

"Because if I hunt we'll be found. The others may not be experts at tracking but if there’s someone eating criminals then it's obviously me. I don't want to put you in danger."

“What about what we want?”

Jaspar was sufficiently taken aback by the question that he just stared in confusion. Nikota was serious, angry even. “I thought that was what you wanted. It’s what you asked of me, when we met. The one thing this helpless predator could do for you.”

“An’ we said we’d help y’find food, but yer not lettin’ us help. Jus talkin’ about tryin’ t’make us _more_ safe. But I dun’t want t’be more safe! There’re no demons, no gettin’ lost, no-one trying t’hurt us; this’s already plenty safe.” Her hands were fists, she was too angry to look at him directly. “I dun’t want t’be safe ‘f it means watching you die.”

Karger was behind her, quiet and supportive. It was almost a physical hurt when she turned away to hide her face in Karger’s chest. She was still so small, even compared to him. “Neither’f us like seein’ yer like this lud.”His disapproval is more carefully worded, but all the more damning for it.

“I’m sorry.” Jaspar means it but the words have lost their weight from repetition. “It… hadn’t occurred to me that you might not want that. I guess I’m not much better than the other acolytes am I? I never even thought to ask.” He laughed. “I’m a fool; prepared to die for something I only thought you wanted.”

Karger looked concerned, but Nikota had a little bit of a smile.

“I’m joking, it’s ok, I wasn’t planning to lie here and starve to death. I do have a plan, have had a plan, I just… didn’t say anything. I’m sorry. It’s hard to think right now, hard to remember things.” It was so frustrating, being so confused and helpless despite all the preparation he’d done. “But when people die here they aren’t Lost, and people must put the bodies somewhere. There is food I don’t have to fight or kill for. But I keep forgetting to ask, and to tell you about it, and-“

“T’s alright lud, we can do t’thinking an’ the asking.” It was Karger that had interrupted him, for what could have been the first time.

“But you don’t know the place, you’re not used to realspace yet. There’s still so much you don’t understand” Jaspar did want the help, so much of him wanted nothing more than to collapse and let someone else fix things. But still he had to protest, he didn’t want them to have to carry that burden either.

“Like t’thing with people going away but still being there?” Nikota thought for a moment. “Is that woman still out there?”

“Probably, she’s not likely to have gone far if she works here.” Jaspar unfolded, relaxing a little now they’d moved on to a somewhat safer topic.

Nikota jumped over him and was out of the door before either Jaspar or Karger realised what she was doing. They scrambled after her in a panic, Jaspar not wasting time trying to get to his feet and just pulling himself through the door. No amount of knowledge could stop the panic when the view outside had no trace of her. “Nikota! Don’t you even think about it!”

“I won’t!” Nikota called back, sounding incredibly pleased with herself. Exasperated Jaspar looked up at Karger, and for a moment they understood each other perfectly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nikota you are not going to successfully murder the hotel staff, you are 12 and armed with a potato peeler.


End file.
